Everyone from Americans United for Separation of Church and State to Wonkette swears up and down that there is no unholy alliance of Jews, atheists and African-American Marxists waging war on the Christmas holiday. According to a 2005 survey by Media Matters, no fewer than 14 newspaper editorials and 48 signed opinion pieces expressed the view that "the war on Christmas is bogus."

This list of newspapers assuring us that there are no holiday hostilities included the Boston Globe, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Philadelphia Daily News, the Austin American Statesman and the Toledo Blade. Opinion writers included Adam Cohen, Nicolas Kristof and John Tierney of the New York Times, Joel Stein of the Los Angeles Times, Ellen Goodman of the Boston Globe and Cynthia Tucker of the Atlanta-Journal Constitution.

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Well, that is surely a relief! Christians and non-religious keepers of the Western cultural tradition across the nation must have been delighted to receive this powerful vote of reassurance from such an elite group of editorialists. Now we know that we can in all good conscience wish everyone a Merry Christmas without wasting a moment's concern for the possibility of offending anyone. We can sing Christmas carols at school, throw Christmas parties at the office, and generally share the Good Tidings of the Savior's birth with all and sundry without hesitation.

In the extremely unlikely event that anyone should object to all of this Yuletide good cheer, one need merely refer them to any of the aforementioned opinion writers, who will no doubt be more than happy to set them straight as to the fact of their nonexistence. I recommend Joel Stein in particular, who is always good for a snappy and sarcastic comment demonstrating his thumb on the pulse of popular culture. Or, if this hypothetical anti-Christmas jihadist is especially hostile, one might consider putting him in touch with Ellen Goodman, a lady who can mercifully end anyone's psychosomatic holiday depression with a dose of her lethally tedious prose.

It is with some trepidation, however, that I consider the dangerous depths of "Happy Holidays." For if it is insulting to wish a "Merry Christmas" to an individual who does not celebrate Christmas, then how much more offensive is it to simultaneously pile on a "Happy Hanukkah," a "Sunny Saturnalia," a "Felicitous Festivus," a "Kameradschaftlichste Kwanzaa" and a "Happy New Year" as well? After all, even an Messianic Jew of African-Chinese descent who loves Seinfeld might rightly take offense at all of this, given that the Year of the Pig does not start until February. Indeed, the only reasonable response to "Happy Holidays" is: "Which one?"

As for me, I have decided to reach an accommodation with American holiday diversity by celebrating five out of the six seasonal holidays each year. This year I'll be celebrating Christmas by decorating a tree and giving gifts to my loved ones, Hanukkah by taking eight days off work, Festivus by bitching about the Fed's decision to stop reporting M3, Saturnalia by letting Promporn and Sunisa tie me up for a change, and Kwanzaa by holding up the liquor store on Martin Luther King Boulevard using a piece of corn carved into the shape of a Glock 9mm.

(Of course, every day is Kwanzaa as 47,700 of my African-American co-celebrants got their Ujamaa on in like manner last year.)

This means, of course, that I have no choice but to join my Chinese co-non-celebrants in bristling angrily at anyone who is so insensitive as to wish me a "Happy New Year" or even a "Happy Holidays" that includes a "Happy New Year." Which I don't celebrate in this, the Year of the Dog.

So, dear readers, with the very best will in the world, I wish you all a Happy Hanukkah, a Felicitous Festivus, a Sunny Saturnalia, a Kameradschaftlichste Kwanzaa and a Propitious Year of the Pig.

I seem to have forgotten something ... ah, yes, and a very Merry Christmas, too. May God bless us, every one.

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